How to have your girl to try the backdoor

So, I saw a meme once and it got me curious: how to make your girl try the wrong hole, consensually?

This is a Reddit response:

First off, the preliminaries. You’ve already fucked up by telling her you want anal sex. Now she’s going to be eternally suspicious that you’re eyeballing her brown-eye and are steadily imagining that the dick in her vagina would much prefer to be in her butt. Women do not like this. They have a vagina, it’s what makes them special. Men also have butt-holes, therefore voiding the uniqueness of innate sexual femininity. Wanting to stick it in her excrement-orifice makes her feel inadequate. The little fairies in her head will be steadily nagging her conscious with shit like, “Your vagina isn’t good enough anymore. He’s probably fucking some hoe in the ass on the side now.” Tough break.

You can’t go diving into the Hershey highway like a schoolboy’s first finger in a baby-oven. There are lots and lots of details involved, and more importantly the approach must be handled in the utmost care and delicacy. Imagine a vintage porcelain vase that you accidentally broke when you were a kid, but you managed to glue it back together and put it back on that dusty shelf and no one ever really noticed. But all those hairlines fractures make it even more fragile than it was in the first place, so that if anyone ever even looked in its direction it would burst into flames and send shrapnel into your kneecaps. And then no one would ever buy a porcelain vase again, afraid that the Manhattan Project would have bastard children with the LHC at a Limp Bizkit concert. That’s how sensitive the penis-to-asshole quest is.

But to get down to business, I’m going to make three assumptions here: #1) The sex life between the two of you is relatively open, and there’s none of that awkward nonsense like, “I don’t think I want to let him eat me out, what if it smells?” type shit. #2) You are roommates or at least spend a massive amount of time together in such a fashion that you have tuned into the frequency of her moods and have time that can be spontaneously killed together. #3) You’re both old enough to drink. Without the first two things, your only option is just to get her fucking plastered and stick it in while she’s blacked out. But beware that this could incur jail time among other things, and is not my preferred method of achieving goals.

The methodical enterprise to convince your girl to allow penis-anus penetration is a long and bumpy road. It is an often unspoken and arguably disconcerting notion that you can’t just stick your dick in an ass anytime lest you fall victim of the tainted tally-whacker. That’s a nice way of saying “you don’t want shit on your dick”. Thus you need to be aware of her eating habits and the schedule of her bowel movements. I don’t know about you, but if I stick my finger in my ass right now I can’t guarantee that there wouldn’t be something stuck under my nail after that. Just go ahead and accept that reality right now, and try to schedule your aspirations accordingly. Spend about a week being all James Bond about when she goes to the bathroom. Buy one of those little spiral notebooks and jot down days and times and that she eats and the corresponding long bathroom trip followed by air freshener. You should be used to doing this with her menstrual/mental cycle by now anyway, so you might as well expand your horizons.

Once you know the status of her rectum better than your own, you now need to catch her in a good mood one convenient evening. Like you’re just sitting around the house and she seems awfully bubbly and smiling at stupid shit a lot. Then bust out some suave spontaneous “LETS GO OUT AND PARTY BABY!” proposition. The idea here is to loosen her inhibitions, making her both mentally and physically less resilient while already in an agreeable affection. In other words get her drunk. Not plastered mind you, but buzzed enough to acquiesce. This improves your odds by approximately 63%, as ascribed by a double-blind scientific study. When ordering rounds of shots or what not, limit yourself to less than she has. When she’s not looking pour half your beer out. Order her doubles and yours singles. Whatever it takes, the point is not to get too drunk yourself. Why? Because you’re driving home, son. Be responsible. And also because you’ll commit suicide if you actually convince her to let you fuck her shit-hole only to be unable to keep your dick hard enough to squeeze it in. Trust me.

Alright, so you are confident her bowels are relatively clean, she’s in a good mood, and she’s tipsy. You’re on the right track. At this point the common event in the long line of human evolution would be to take her home and fuck her. That’s right on the money, but you have to go into this confident that this will be the single most mind-blowing sexual experience she has ever had. Also, be sure you have some lube near the bed, or at least some body lotion of whichever aroma she prefers. Get her home and get her all worked up, then insist on showering together. Not because she’s dirty, but because everyone seems far more willing to “experiment” in bed when they smell like a goddamn soap factory.

So lay her down on the bed, face first, and indicate to her that you intend on giving her a clit-numbing rub down. Break out that body lotion and get to work on them smooth sensual girly curves. Rub your hands up her back and push her hair roughly, but not violently, out of the way, so that you have a good hold on the back of her head as you run your hands through her hair (bitches love this shit). Then drop little bits of the lotion at a time at different points of her back, ass, and thighs, so that the sudden small spurts of cold liquid are tantalizing to her skin. Get to work rubbing it in, starting at the neck and shoulders and working down the spine. Just barely graze her ass, paying no more attention to it than the elephant in the room, while working down her thighs and legs, making small ventures towards the naughty part without actually touching it. With each passing gradually increase the magnitude of ass-play. After about a dozen or so passes you should be grabbing her ass cheeks in hand and massaging the shit out of them. Do your hands in a fashion that it looks like you’re framing her asshole in a picture, pushing your thumbs deep into her tailbone and tenderizing that posterior like its never been done before. If you’re also naked or boxered, there’s a good chance your penis will be rubbing up and down her ass crack. If possible, you can try the whole “hot-dogging” thing with a little lotion, but remember this isn’t about you and your selfish little dick. It’s about that sexy perfect goddess of whom you’d severely like to defile. Her pleasure is the paramount priority. Again, this is where the whole “if she already knows you want it you’re fucked” thing comes into play. She’s probably going to know that you’re trying to stick your dick in her butt. But as John F Einstein Vader Halen once said, persistence is key.

So if you’re playing your cards right and she’s not a prude bitch, she should be wet as a nigger’s cigarette by now and just aching for a dick in her guts. But nope, not yet. Now its time to get some tongue action going on, and make her crave the sensation of something inside of her even more. Preferably keep her face down, but offer a gentlemanly posture modifying comfort (read: stick a fucking pillow or one of those sex wedge things under her so that her ass and pussy are sticking up the air). The idea here is to eat her out, while leaving her asshole extremely vulnerable. As you’re sliding around her clit and making the occasional upwards sweep, be sure to graze your nose on her asshole from time to time. This accustoms the mate to the realization that her anus may be receiving more attention than usual. It also serves to get you used to that smell of her processed food. If you can’t handle it here, you definitely aren’t going to be turned on when it’s inflamed by constant thrusting and pumping, so just bail out now and settle for the pink.

Now its time to test the waters. In the next 5 seconds, you will know with absolute certainty whether she is willing to anally accommodate your dick. Basically, just slide your tongue all the way up and into her asshole. Do a few light grazes at first, judging her reactions to it. If she doesn’t immediately kick you in the face and key your car, you’re doing good. Try to go all out on that fucker. Eat that salad. Stick your tongue down in that bastard like its one of those delicious yogurt cups and the curvature of your spoon can’t quite get all the remaining goodness in the bottom corners. Seriously, imagine you’re trying to eat yogurt out of her ass. I know that sounds like a bad analogy (especially if you actually get a mouthful of “yogurt”), but trust me.

Is she digging it? Congrats, you’re one step closer to plowing the chocolate volcano. From here it should be pretty obvious – graduate to fingers and such. Just bear in mind at all times that she has a vagina. It’s like 2cm away. Pay as much if not more attention to her tamponhole as you do her poophole. If she’s vocally and visually enjoying the tongue-in-my-starfish thing, you can probably just go on out there and say, “Hey baby… You think maybe I can put the tip in?” I mean you just put your tongue in the same hole she shits from, so you can probably communicate at a whole new existential level now.

Before sticking it in, you have to loosen that motherfucker a bit though. Grab some lube (that body lotion will work if need be) and run a finger in there. Upgrade to two. Slather it all over your dick. DO NOT try to pour it in her asshole. Use your fingers and dick to do that. Despite what she might tell you, your dick is not that big. She can pop a fucking baby out of her vagina. Your dick isn’t nearly as big as a baby, and chances are she’s dropped a few deuces with considerably more girth than your manhood. Don’t go too crazy on the lube. Go slowly, working a fraction of an inch at a time. Don’t neglect her vagina. Give her the reach around or whatever the fuck she likes. The important thing is to not make this a traumatic experience, otherwise you will NEVER get anal sex again, and when you break up you will have effectively deprived future dicks of her butt love. Also, try to avoid ass-to-pussy. Despite what the porns portray (those bitches clean their guts with roto-rooters on a daily basis), it can very likely lead to a UTI or other painful complications for her. Don’t be a dick. If there does happen to be an “accident” don’t freak out about it or damage her fragile, defiled mentality any more. Offer to shit on her vagina to even things out if need be, just don’t make a big deal out of it. Shit happens.

You can thank me later.

This was a ride and a half…. My sister follows this blog…

sorry, but not sorry. I just wanted to share this with anyone that can see this, because this man is a hero. Luckily I already have a deal with my girl, without me even mentioning it, so…. Good luck to y’all!

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