I am sad
Tears staining my bedsheets, i don’t wanna be this way, living hurts. The cuts, the agony, the headaches. Is this good enough for you? That’s a question that i have never asked to anyone. Yet, i seek that answer everyday, for some reason…. I pretend to be good, i pretend to be happy, i pretend to be supportive, to everyone around me. I’m not. Now i only stay alone, hiding that i’m just not able to function, with videogames and videos. I would love to see myself smiling genuinely on the mirror again, i would love to see her smiling just to me once again, still think that i’m too selfish if i ask her that, since i can’t give one back to her, i wish i had the strengh to share this with anyone, to search help, to seach confort, but no, i can only write about it, hide my sadness into the laughter of youtube videos, into the chat of my clan, into my alone time before bed, into emotion-empty masturbation, into the times that i isolate myself to listen to music blazing loud, so i can’t hear the outside.
It’s that façade that tires the most, to the others, i’m just fine and avoiding people, but the truth is: i’m just saving energy, putting up a smile or whatever, projecting your voice, dealing with adhd to make a conversation more bareable, that all demands too much, half hout of talking and interacting means 2 hours more of sleeping in means recover myself, which can be hard sometimes, there is such thing as girlfriends, friends, projects, videos, games and homeworks. Sometimes i don’t care, sometimes it’s worth it, sometimes it’s needed, netheless, it’s still a burden, some people wouldn’t believe that, because i was very extroverted untill 2015, the truth is: i never had enough sleep, my eyes were wether red all the time, or i was so slow that i could never understand what was going around me, that with the Adhd thingy destroyed any chance of me being self aware and caring of another to the point that i hurt myself a lot of times, sometimes bringing some other persons with me, physically or emotionally.
And now i can cry.
Never could before, now it seems like i am crying one time a day. Cried listening to musics, reading messages, playing videogames, for that i am thankful to my last relationship. But crying isn’t just that childish impulse anymore, now it’s triggered by certain feelings and by my mind,
The brain decides whether or not that is worth crying for, if that made a significant impact in your life, enough to change yourself and the way that you treat others. In the other side, the heart gives the impulse to cry, a reason, even if it isn’t logical, so, if they agree, i loose my composure.
A mutual agreement between my heart and my mind that i have to put my emotions out there…
Even if i don’t really do so, which makes the tears drop. The more that i supress the feelings, the more that that emotion-putrid water leaves my eyes. I guess that the tears are to mourn the loss, my whole life i grew to think that when you loose anything, you really shouldn’t look back and fight to get the next best thing, so you never stop, never appreciate life, never empathize with anything near ot across your eyes, cry with the death of main protagonists of my life was the only acceptable time, without any coercion.
But then, i was enlightened. the same as in relationships, and religion, i couldn’t live with that much pressure every day, nobody should. I did resort to drowning myself, i did resort to overwhelming myself, i did overcompensate sometimes, i’m not ashamed of it, it molded me. Everyone should cry, but they need to understand why first.
It’s not the same anymore
Of course it changes constantly, we are humans, but, usually, those are small chages, barely unoticeable, only experts can realise that it changed, even needing to analyse multiple times. When it changes too much in too little time, one can’t really stand on that quicksand that already left his feet, so he falls, and falls, and falls, untill he can get enough effort to jump on the next piece of semi-solid land, or he falls in depression and sorrow and gets addicted to drugs, to videogames, to loneliness, which weakens the quicksand of others.
I’m crying, i shouldn’t, be strong fot others.